What do you do, how do you feel when you want so badly to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with your significant other but he doesn't have the same desires? I realize that I am perhaps a bit 'deep' for some to take and Lord knows I have tried to date like minded individuals and ended up with some crazies. Does that mean I am crazy? I like to think that if I have to ask myself if I am a nut then I am quite sane. Nevertheless, I feel lonely. Lonely because he knows me that I portray, he knows me physically, he knows that I am a good cook, damn near a genius, and take care of my job and my children. But he doesn't know me I don't think. I really have no point to this post today other than needing to vent. I have so many thoughts and ideas that run through my mind and I have absolutely no outlet. He has no interest, has never attempted to read any of my poetry, any of my 'ramblings' as I call them. That hurts actually. And on the negative flip side, that is precisely why I am hesitant to meet more like minded people. I found myself slowly being cerebrally seduced one evening when I was out. I was caught up in a conversation regarding Nietzsche and his pro's and con's and I was enthralled. It was a very sexual turn on for me,and I knew to get the hell out of there before I let my mind confuse my body. Don't I deserve both though? I know he loves me with all of his heart and I love him but I need more than conversation about how his day went at work. What about my day? He has never asked. I work at home and I don't think he realizes that my job is very mentally taxing at times. Not only do I do what I do at home, but I take care of our combined mixture of children and I do it well. I feel stagnant, like a pool of water that is stopped at the edge of a waterfall. Blocked by seaweed and debris. I am almost scared that someone is going to come along and move those lily pads out of the way and set me streaming down that slope.. to open up all the raging beauty and allow me to move mountains. I want him to enjoy that ride with me, I don't want to leave him behind in that shallow stagnant pool. I have expressed my needs but maybe I am not expressing in the right way. He simply has no interest in what I think about, in what ideas are constantly simmering in my head. I so long for hours of stimulating conversation with a glass of port perhaps. Maybe I want to much. Maybe there is no such thing as fulfillment in every single aspect of a relationship. I can't complain, he is a sweet wonderful man... perhaps I am selfish? Which could send me on an entirely different tangent. We need to be selfish to make our own happiness I think. I am in the wrong place, there is something out there for me...what it is I have not found.

Song lyrics speak to me. The beat of the music is simply the underlying hum of racing thoughts. Why do some people hear the music but not the words? Words are the groundwork of life as we know it. Without words we have nothing, we are seeds with no soil, we are plates with no food. We are sunken ships with no way to call for help.

It shouldn't be that way. Don't get me wrong, I love lyrics. I love words. Words are my thing. My question though.... Do we know how to use words? Words shouldn't be used for anger, for hate, for greed or envy. Words shouldn't be enveloped inside a pretty package enclosing lies. Words... ahh they are so beautiful when used properly. To say you are beautiful, to describe the love and joy in your heart, to soothe a child, to whisper goodnight to your loved one, to sing.... Words can be used to describe your pain, your sorrow, to ask for help, for friendship, for love. Words should be used to paint a picture.

When you are using words, what are the pictures you would paint? Angry red splashes of color and sharp angular sides? Is it a picture of a bloodied knife in a canvas made of heart? Is it necessary? What if your words were painting a picture of lavender blooming on a hill, of a sunset in the middle of spring, of two lovers snuggled near a fire sharing a mug of cocoa in winter. Children making snow angels with bright red cheeks and one wayward mitten. Wouldn't those be better pictures? Is that necessary?

What if we lost words? I fear that so many forget how to feel that without words they would fold into a fetal position and regress to nothing but ....... emotional starvation and death. People are afraid to feel, therefore afraid of words. Afraid of words, therefore afraid to feel. It is a vicious circle.

When you speak, think of your painting. Not necessary perhaps, but creating a beautiful painting soothes and calms the soul. Creating something vicious only breeds more viciousness. Try not to speak. Try to feel. Rather than zipping by a well manicured lawn, slow down and envision the work put into the pretty little flower border. Picture the woman planting those flowers, her hopes and dreams. Try to feel and then try to express without words. A smile, a touch, a passionate kiss. A cup of coffee, a caress, a sprig of lavender. When you can express without words, then the words add an entire new dimension.

But back to song lyrics. They speak to me.

It is 12:38 am, 2008. I am in the second half hour of this year and I find myself simply reflecting. Everyone in this house is asleep and / or gone and I realized that per my superstitious nature, this is going to be a very solo year. A year spent on self analyzation and perhaps cleansing. 2007 was a good one for cleansing, well, at least the last half was. I learned many things about myself as well as those around me. I did quite a bit of 'house cleaning' if you will. House cleaning in terms of terminating old relationships, friends and otherwise, that were simply not healthy for me. I have cultivated new relationships, and held on to cherished ones.

I used to say I have no regrets, and I realize that I do have regrets. I don't regret what I have done but deeply regret what I have not. Those small moments that you don't grasp when the moment, however fleeting, stands out. Those times you feel like something is right there, something in front of you that is beautiful, grasp it. Hold it and love it for however long it may last, be it minutes, days, years. It may not ever come again.

Those pretty candles you bought but don't want to burn... burn them. Enjoy the scent. Those little flowered soaps that decorate your bathroom. Wash you hands with them. Notice the way the lather seems so much more decadent, even though it probably is not. It will feel that way.

My goals this year will not be to lose weight, or completely stop smoking or stop biting my nails. Why focus on negativity? This year, I vow to live. I vow to not worry about what I might look like in a swimsuit in July, but to rejoice in what my children, what my friends and family see in me this moment. I want to continue my journey of self exploration, even though at times that journey is painful and downright lonely. I feel too much at times. I think too much at times. My mind is never at rest, and I'm afraid I quite mentally wear out those around me because of my constant need for stimulating conversation. I need depth or I find I wither. I want to be cerebrally intoxicated by thought and what if's. I don't want to be mind fucked with a wink and a smile.

I find the more I understand myself, the more I understand others and pity them. I feel sorry for those that don't feel, even though it would be so much easier to not wouldn't it? Wouldn't it be easier to go through life a jaded hypocrite? The Catholic who worships one night a year and beats his wife and children the rest will dare to call me a sinner. He will dare to condemn me and he will hide under his umbrella of godliness. Throwing a few dollars in a bucket doesn't buy a god damn seat in Heaven. But they will continue their merry march towards martyrdom. Well fuck you and your good deed for the day.

I will tell you what Heaven is. Heaven is a pair of big blue eyes looking into yours and saying I love you mommy. Heaven is waking up in the morning with the sun shining and the sky the most brilliant shade of blue you have ever seen. Heaven isn't where you go when you die, Heaven is what you make right here and now. We don't get one turn on this planet folks, we get many. We are created so very flawed and as we embrace each life to the next we learn lessons until we become pure. We become God like and as we each attain that spiritual awareness, that purity, we become in essence God together. It is the natural progression of evolution as well as creation.

Live life for the sake of living life. Kiss your babies every chance you get. Hold your lover's hand if you so feel like it. Eat dessert before dinner, get out of the rigid code you have set for yourself. Explore your inner demons, let them tear you apart, you will still win if you want too. Even at times when you feel as if nothing is happening in your life, remember that you have to till the ground before the flowers grow. You have to put the life into the dirt to create beauty. Even what looks to be a barren field of rocks and crags could be teeming with life underneath. Life waiting to be grown and explored. Cultivate your life this year. You are a garden waiting to be cultivated. Waiting to be weeded out, reorganized, rejuvenated. The greatest part about all this? You are in charge of the garden tools my friends.

Embrace your sadness, your fears. Feel them for only then will you feel true happiness, true joy. It is now 1:13 am, and while I feel an immense sadness for reasons I can't grasp right now, and an overwhelming loneliness, I know that tomorrow I will feel different and I will rejoice in that blue sky, those blue eyes. Rejoice in a way that I wouldn't be able to had I not been sad to begin with.

To my family and my friends, I love you and I thank each and every one of you for the tools you have given me that enable me to continue working on my own masterpiece of a garden. I envision mine full of lavender and sage and wildflowers, daisy's in full bloom. Wild and free and untamed. Many of you may have a different ideal, maybe you envision your garden tidy with little plots of perfectly planned color here and there. If that's what you want, make it happen. All gardens are beautiful no matter what is grown.

So.. with my rambling almost complete for now.... here are my goals for 2008.

To live, to laugh, and to love with all of my heart. To seek the very best in my nature and give that to others, to breathe life into what is stale.